I love the sound of you walking away...

Ten points to whoever can identify that lyric.

Where the hell is The Onion?! It's slowly disappearing from my radius. For those who don't know what The Onion is, first of how dare you. Second off, it's a free (if you can find it) newspaper that has a hilarious fake news section and an excellent Entertainment section (which is all real). Which maybe one day I will work for. Here's to hoping. I just submitted my resume for an internship.

This panic all started freshman year when I lived in the South Loop. I would constantly go to The Onion boxes, open them up, and find hobo belongings. Which is not passable for a newspaper. The homeless people in the South Loop take all the newspapers, stash their belongings in the boxes, and try to sell The Onion to tourists and green Chicagoans. I was forced to walk to Borders and pretend to have enough money to buy something there in order to take a copy.

Flash forward a year. I start working at Petco. I'm bored as fuck at the register. Mornings aren't the peak pet shopping time. My manager Matt throws me a copy of The Onion. "If you ever get bored," he says, "We have an Onion box outside the store." My heart explodes with joy. Success! I have found an actual box! I spend months of newspaper bliss until one day, I go out there to grab the latest issue and the box is gone! Where the hell could a newspaper box go? Well, they took it away. What bitches.

Flash forward to yesterday. I'm standing at the bus stop and realize, hey, there's no more Onion post box. The latest edition bundle is just set on top of the U.S. Really Crappy News box. Does this mean that there will be no more Onion by me? Am I forced to look for another reliable spot? Am I just cursed to settle for mediocre real newspapers? The battle continues...