Tripping the Web

Despite writing on this film blog several times a week, I never really cover news, because I lack the time in a day to do it as well as many other sites do. However, today I feel like it's necessary to cover some current news, in a format that people with attention spans as small as mine can enjoy.

News Item: Paul W.S. Anderson has acknowledged that a fourth Resident Evil movie is in the works.
What you need to know: At this point, they could have Nemesis, a million zombies and MC Chris nerd rapping about the whole thing, and these movies would still suck. Worse still, most website headlines tout "New Anderson movie," which just makes me think that Wes Anderson or P.T. Anderson have something of actual value on the way, instead of another movie by the talentless cockbag who actually managed to make "Alien Vs. Predator" suck.

News Item: Brett Ratner assures audiences that the upcoming "Beverly Hills Cop 4" will not be watered down for a PG-13 rating.
What you need to know: You know what? God help me for saying so, this might not be terrible. I personally enjoyed the PG-13 "Live Free or Die Hard," even if "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker" was creatively bleeped out. The only thing that worries me is that the last Ratner movies I've seen were "Rush Hour 3" and "X-Men: The Last Stand," both of which caused me internal hemmoraging. Oh, and Eddie Murphy sucks now. Actually...

News Item: Eddie Murphy wants to leave the movie industry and go back to doing stand-up.
What you need to know: This makes me think of a guy apologizing for his infidelity only after he gets caught. You can't say sorry for "Norbit," Mr. Murphy. You just can't. Or "Daddy Day Camp." Or "Dr. Doolittle" (parts one and two!). Or getting up and leaving the Oscars after Alan Arkin deservedly beat you for Best Supporting Actor. You could put out "Raw Pt. 2" and it'd still be too late.

News Item: Megan Fox has told Michael Bay that she doesn't want him to hire any other hot brunettes for "Transformers 2."
What you need to know: I read the article, I absorbed words and information, but all my brain retained was "I will do godless things to nail Megan Fox." Sorry.

News Item: Jeffery Tambor has confirmed that an "Arrested Development" movie is in the works.
What you need to know: Every television critic in America just shot a collective load. This isn't totally unfounded, either. If you haven't watched "Development," stop reading this website and go rent all three seasons. It's one of the best shows that ever hit television and wasn't watched by anyone except for the aforementioned critics.

News Item: The "Dragonball" movie is still happening.
What you need to know: Just say no, kids.

News Item: Rumors are persisting that Christopher Nolan is looking to include Robin in the third and final of his Batman films.
What you need to know: See, if anyone could do this, it'd be Nolan. However....I'm still in therapy to deal with the fact that I loved "Batman and Robin" as a young man, and it'd be a hell of a trick to try and erase that memory across the nation. Of course, I say this two weeks before the world gets its shit rocked by "The Dark Knight".....

News Item: "The Happening" has grossed over $60 million dollars.
What you need to know: God no longer exists. This is proof.

News Item: Helena Bonham Carter has been rumored to soon join the cast of "Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins."
What you need to know: In the red corner: a badass franchise's latest installment starring Christian Bale. In the blue corner: the guy who bought us the "Charlie's Angels" movies directing. Carter is another reason that McG might not destroy the franchise.


That's all I've got for today. I'm off to cry myself to sleep some more over not being able to see "Wall-E" for another two days.