The Ideal Husband, circa 1989

Let's face it, all women are trying to find that ideal man. Or woman. Depending on how you swing. However, that's not where I'm going with this. Women collect this dossier of information in their heads about their perfect other. He has to be tall, or he has to be an astronaut. It doesn't matter how unrealistic or how unattainable these qualifications are. We still hold them in our mind and judge every man who we meet against them. When we go out on a date with someone and we say, "You know, I don't feel that connection," it really means, "Sorry, you don't meet at least one or two of my standards." It's shallow to some extent, but everyone does it.

Films have a lot to do with building my dossier. Which is probably a bad thing. I'm completely buying into this unrealistic image of a man. But at least I know it. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Every since my dad showed me Indiana Jones, I've had this obsession with rugged men like that, as I'm sure every straight woman has had. But the one man that I constantly try to find in the real world is Lloyd Dobler.

Say Anything is hands down, the pinnacle of 80s teen cinema. Which is funny, because it comes at the end of the 80s. Maybe it's so good because it's actually realistic. Don't get me wrong, I love The Breakfast Club and all those Molly Ringwald, John Hughes movies. But at the end of the day, is that really going to happen? I wish. I prayed that on my sixteenth birthday the attractive jock would realize I was the girl for him and not that bimbo cheerleader he always fucked around with. But Say Anything is a realistic story. The end of high school is the end of innocence. You're now being thrown into the real world, where the decisions you make will affect what happens when you graduate and get a job (hopefully). And Lloyd Dobler isn't like that. He just wants a "dare to be great" situation. That's what he wants after he graduates. College is meaningless unless you've done something meaningful. What fucking high school did he go to!? I want to go there! My high school just stressed being successful.

He's the perfect man. Good musical taste (he listens to RHCP in the car, awesome), sensitive, funny, respectful. And what does his "dare to be great" situation turn out to be? Loving Diane! And she's so fucking stupid! How does Lloyd Dobler, the perfect man, end up with a twat? She has no idea that all of us are on the other side of the screen cursing her name. Why would you ever consider giving up a man like Lloyd Dobler? I seriously think every man should watch this movie and learn one thing from it and apply it to everyday life. It could be that women can't resist "In Your Eyes." It could be that phone calls are overrated and letters are the real deal. I don't care. I hope Cameron Crowe is actually a real life Lloyd Dobler. I hope he seriously wrote this movie about himself. That would give me a little hope for my romantic life.

At this point I may be coming off like some angry single woman who eats Oreos constantly and stalks Jude Law. I'm not, although I do like Oreos in moderation. I've dated fantastic men, and I've dated the scum of the Earth. I think everyone can say that about their romantic life. I'm just saying that this film showed me that men can be mature after high school and I shouldn't deal with juvenile bullshit. It's a great thing to realize, and if you haven't done so I urge you to try. So every time you hear Peter Gabriel on the radio, nod your head in appreciation. Because the light, the heat is in your eyes Lloyd Dobler. Wear that ridiculous trench coat proudly.

Sidenote: I never realized until my last viewing that Jeremy Piven is totally in Say Anything! God, that man is amazing.

The Elusive B-Buster

It's September. School is starting. Yay! I never thought I would say that about college in high school, but seriously. I go to film school. I listen to lecture for up to an hour and then watch a movie. I have no right to complain. Fall's coming, which is awesome because I've had enough of this bi-polar Chicago summer weather. But September's also the end of the summer blockbuster season.

Thank fucking God. The best movie I saw this summer was Superbad. Granted, I didn't see every movie that came out. That's nearly impossible on my finances. But if you want to send me money to do it, I'll gladly oblige. But every single movie I saw was such a huge disappointment. Usually when I go see a movie during the summer, I mentally prepare myself for a different mindset. Summer is not time for the Oscar-caliber film. It's warm outside, every one's looking for a good time. The majority of people don't want to go to the movies to sit and think. I prepare myself to be entertained above all. But I wasn't even entertained for the most part. I just sat there and squirmed, waiting for the films to end.

Some of these galactic disappointments included:

• Hot Rod - Really Andy Samberg? Really? Did this movie have to exist? I want that era back where SNL affiliates put out good movies. Like Wayne's World. Why can't we have another Wayne's World? That movie was so good! Hot Rod was just playing off the flash popularity of The Lonely Island. Which I mean, is well deserved. Lonely Island is funny. But that's just it. It's funny in the media it's presented in -- short, five minute webisodes where Jorma, Akiva, and Andy be the Jewish funnymen they are. The movie just seemed like they came up with a bunch of funny things that could be webisodes and strung them together with a weak plot. And added a hot Isla Fisher.
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - I love Harry Potter. I consider dropping out of college and finding Hogwarts quite frequently. Actually, that's really sad. But yeah, the movie was just....bland? That sounds so art school, but it was. I felt like the director was like, "Well, you know the last two movies were so good, I can just do a mediocre job and not really add anything to the franchise and get away with it." Plus, since I read the book, I was kind of taken aback with how much they cut out. I understand they have to cut out a lot of stuff because, you know, the book's as big as the Bible. But the stuff they cut or changed were kind of crucial. It just made for a bland experience.
• The Ten - Every time I saw this preview, I laughed. It looks hilarious. And it is...kind of. Some parts are. But it just kind of dragged. And there were a lot of parts of empty air between those laughs. I like the concept. Ten films about the Ten Commandments. But it felt like they were going for dick and fart jokes. Which, hey, I am not offended by. I like dick and fart jokes. I laughed at most of them. Because I'm immature like that. But when you're marketing a movie like this to the indie/adult audience, dick and fart jokes won't always cut it. That's why I liked Stella so much. The rhetoric was so well planned out that you couldn't help but laugh. This film, not so much.

So yeah, there are many more but I don't want to go on and on about it. Go watch Superbad. It was super fantastic.

Space, or Places I Never Want to Go to

Did I miss something? Because I feel like I truly did. Since when did ripping off Kubrick become cool? Trendy even.

I saw the movie Sunshine almost a week ago and I hated it. Why? I'm not sure. But I'm sure that Danny Boyle deciding to remake 2001 and adding the ever-so-sexy Cillian Murphy had something to do with it. And also the fact that is was a genre switcher. But honestly, those two things didn't bother me that much. They irked me. Side note: I'm bringing back the word irked.

But regardless, I honestly don't know why I didn't like it. It was a great concept. Essentially, it's about a team of scientists and astronauts (Chris Evans a.k.a. The Human Torch included, which led to many a space joke) who are traveling to the sun to deliver a "payload," a huge pile of minerals and resources that when dropped into the sun will cause it to be revitalized. The script was fantastic, but the group interactions were really weird. Like, imagine for a second if you will. You're a scientist traveling to the sun. Now, traveling to the sun takes a long fucking time. This isn't Star Wars, we can't put it in light speed and jet. This is realistic. We have to fly there. So we're flying to the sun with eight or nine people. For eight years. Yeah, that sucks. You're going to like some people more than others, that's kind of a given. But in the film it seemed like all this animosity just started emerging. Chris Evans and Cillian are always fighting. Over nothing. And it's always Cillian showing he's smarter and Evans responding to it. Hm, a physicist versus a fucking ship pilot? Who wins? It just didn't seem real to me. Even though, I know in some respect it will never be real to me considering we don't have the technology to travel to the sun and if anyone was traveling to the sun, it wouldn't be me. I still can't figure it out. God, this is frustrating!

Seriously, every movie I've seen in theaters this summer had been a huge disappointment. I would see a preview and be like, "Shit, that looks amazing!" and then are terribly let down. Have I just been seeing the wrong movies? Have I been relying on Hollywood for all the entertainment I should receive a bit too much? I don't know. All I know is that I need to see a good movie.

Side note: I just watched London last night with Mr. Evans and it was awesome. Although, it was hard to comprehend how two men could do so much coke without dying. Maybe it's because I have never tried. Not that I want to.

The End is the Beginning is the End...and then the beginning again

So I'm excited. Why do you ask? Well I hope you assumed I was going to tell you. Because that would be mean if I didn't. I hate it when people start a sentence and you need to know how it ends and then they stop and change the subject. I will never experience blue balls (fingers crossed), but I can guess it would be like hearing somewhat say, "Guess what?" followed by "Nevermind."

But yes, I'm excited because this is the new blog! I'm sure no one read Robot Ninjas. And that's ok. This is like the hotter, more intelligent cousin of Robot Ninjas. Livewire. It's been a couple months in the making but now it's here and I'm pumped. Especially since I have the incredible Craig Dickey writing by my side. I have a feeling this blog will be better, happier, more productive...well, you know how the rest goes.

All exciting news aside, I've been thinking. Actually, I starting thinking about this after I talked to my friend Big Jon about comic books. But when I look at film adaptations and the original work, I realize that Alan Moore always gets screwed over when it comes to his work transferring to the screen. For those who don't know, Alan Moore's a fantastic graphic novelist whose work has appeared in the films V for Vendetta, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Constantine (partially. Alan Moore created the character John Constantine in the Vertigo series "Swamp Thing."), and From Hell. Now just look at those four films there. How good were they? Really? If anyone thought they were good, go read the original Alan Moore novel. Because I assure you, it's ten times better. No, twenty times. I mean, I thought V for Vendetta was good but I recently read the graphic novel and was blown away. Alan Moore has such a creative mind and his storytelling is so innovative. He's doing something that mainstream fiction writers dream of doing.

So why is it so hard to translate his ideas to the screen? I read an article where they interviewed Moore and talked about his work being translated to film. I love what he said about the V for Vendetta script:

"It was imbecilic; it had plot holes you couldn't have got away with in Whizzer And Chips in the nineteen sixties. Plot holes no one had noticed."

What Moore found most laughable however were the details. "They don't know what British people have for breakfast, they couldn't be bothered. 'Eggy in a basket' apparently. Now the US have 'eggs in a basket,' whish is fried bread with a fried egg in a hole in the middle. I guess they thought we must eat that as well, and thought 'eggy in a basket' was a quaint and Olde Worlde version. And they decided that the British postal service is called Fedco. They'll have thought something like, 'well, what's a British version of FedEx... how about FedCo? A friend of mine had to point out to them that the Fed, in FedEx comes from 'Federal Express.' America is a federal republic, Britain is not."

When you read the graphic novel, it really does become evident how much they cut out. The book is intricate. You're not always following Eve. You follow V, the inspector, members of the Finger. It's so elaborate. You see how this neo-British society is affected on all sides. The film is very cut and dry. There's just a straight viewpoint. And I know what people are thinking. "How can you make an elaborate story fit into a two-hour movie?" Look at the Harry Potter franchise...well, some of it. How about Guillermo del Toro's contribution? That movie is fantastic. And that book is fucking long. So yeah, duh, things were cut out. Did I notice? Not until I really thought about it. But when I watch Constantine and see that not only is he American, he doesn't wear a tan trenchcoat, and he doesn't swear as much, I cringe. When I see at the end of the movie he stops smoking, I break shit. Constantine doesn't ever stop smoking. Ever. He got fucking lung cancer, which through a series of amazing tricks and turns was made immortal basically. And he still smokes. He knows no one can do anything to him. Oh, and p.s., the real Constantine would have so tapped that Rachel Weisz ass. He had sex with a lesbian. Enough said, he is a pimp.

But enough about Constantine. Moore doesn't even write Constantine any more. But seriously, go read Alan Moore's versions of these films and you see what I'm talking about (although I myself haven't read all of From Hell yet). It's darker, wittier, sexier...um, more positive adjectives and such. And if you're turned off by the whole "It's a comic book" thing, don't be. The illustrations are fantastic. Plus, dude, the Japanese read graphic novels all the time. And the Japanese are cool. Therefore, if p then q, you will be cool if you read graphic novels.