Sunday, July 13, 2008

Things That Will Happen Upon The Release of "The Dark Knight"

1.) The film will shatter every box-office record known to man.

2.) Parent groups will get all up in arms because they took their kids to see a superhero movie that looks like it's darker than most Oscar bait.

3.) It will be the movie that finally reminds the Academy that the time of year a movie is released should not, and does not, dictate its quality.

4.) Heath Ledger will win a posthumous Oscar.

5.) Nerdgasms will erupt in every movie theater, to the point where geysers on the level of Old Faithful are coming out of four or five screening rooms.

6.) Most film sites will have absolutely nothing to talk about anymore.

7.) The second coming of Christ will occur, so that He can watch "The Dark Knight."

8.) Some guy, somewhere, will walk out of the movie saying how it wasn't worth all the hype, just to be contrary to everyone else. Twenty people will proceed to pull him out into the parking lot and beat the living shit out of him.

9.) Chuck Norris, hearing all the hype, will take the existence of "The Dark Knight" as a personal affront and challenge it to a fight. He and one reel of the film will be put in a steel cage, instructed to fight to the death. Chuck Norris will touch the reel, walk five steps, and then his heart will explode.

10.) Tickets to this film will be traded for drugs, sex and pardons from jail sentences. They will also become currency in Somalia.

11.) Remember those news reports of how the pregnancy rate went up nearly twenty percent after the World Cup? That was just a warm-up. This Friday, nobody goes to bed alone.

12.) People will stop seeing movies, because nothing else will ever be good again by comparison. "The Dark Knight" will officially destroy the film industry because of this.

13.) However, it will also cure cancer, so that'll even things out.

14.) Michael Bay will get his failed Dark Knight script off the ground by recycling it for the third installment of the new series.

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